Fear

Beware....long and potentially boring post ahead....

Before I became a Mom, I was not really fearful of many things. I was (still am) afraid of spiders....like scream-like-I'm-in-a-horror-move scared. I was (still am) somewhat afraid of water, given that I don't swim all that well. Or as Javier would say, not at all. Of course I had fears about normal, every day type things too. And then Emma came into my life.

Nothing can prepare a woman for the fears that she will face as a Mom. What if...my child gets sick. What if she gets hurt. What if she falls. What if she falls behind in school. What if she is behind developmentally. What if she has an allergic reaction. What if someone hurts her. What if.......need I say more? They are paramount. Monumental. Consuming at times. They make us Moms afraid to feed them, bathe them, vaccinate them, or even take them out of the house. But we have to do all of those things, and more, or our babies will not grow and thrive and turn into the pleasant little humans we would like for them to be.

All this rambling about fears brings me to our current situation. Emma began to have mild allergic reactions to cow's milk. Like, facial redness, a rash on her chin, and the beginnings of eczema. So, after a few weeks of this going on, one day she started having full facial flushing and redness from her chin up to her eyes after every bottle of cow's milk. I did what any Mom would do....I sought alternatives. The next best thing, according to our pediatrician, was soy milk. We switched her a little over a week ago to soy. And I couldn't believe my eyes when, in 48 hours, her skin was absolutely flawless. Perfect. Soft, no bumps, no redness. Hallelujah...a fix to our problem.

Well, Monday afternoon I came home from work to find her chin broken out again with the eczema. We tossed around the idea of switching her to something else, but what? I didn't know enough about other alternatives, like rice milk, almond milk, hemp milk, etc. I was pretty sure I didn't want to give her almond milk because of the potential for a nut allergy. We decided it would be best to bring her in to the doctor and let her help us decide. Tuesday didn't work out so our appointment was scheduled for Wednesday (yesterday). Keeping her on the soy milk to avoid yet another switch until after our appointment, I gave her a soy bottle yesterday morning when she woke up. She immediately broke out in hives around her mouth and on her belly. Freaking scary....thankfully we had the appointment. When we got to the doctor, they were getting better, but she also noticed some on her back as well.

She asked about choking or coughing during bottles, and I don't remember Emma ever doing this. Only the face stuff, and now, the belly and back. Fear? Oh yea. Emma could have had an anaphylactic reaction. She could have one the next time she drinks soy. Or even cow's milk. Talk about putting the fear into this Mama. The pediatrician said NO dairy and NO soy products, NO new food introductions, NO nuts or nut products, and nothing else on the list of major allergens (fish, shellfish, etc). We have an appointment with a Pediatric Immunologist in February so that we can determine if she has any other food allergies. She is drinking rice milk now, and we are being super careful with what we give her to eat. I am keeping a food diary and listing everything she eats and any strange symptoms that I notice.

Mamas worry about something happening to their child. They (we) worry that someone else will harm our child. Something else will harm our child. But the feeling of being the one giving something to your child that caused harm....that could cause harm....I can't put in to words. It wasn't purposeful, of course. If I could have seen into the future and seen that she would ALSO be allergic to soy....I would never have given it to her. I have a new sense of fear now....will she react to this food next? That food? Something she has eaten for days, will it suddenly cause a reaction? I hold my breath when I give her a bottle or something to eat.

She is my world...I am doing everything I can to protect her and keep her safe and healthy. Please pray that we get some answers in February, and that she doesn't react to anything else in the meantime. I am praying that milk and soy are the ONLY two offenders. But if there are other things she shows an allergy to, I want to know so that I can be sure she doesn't get those either.

I'll keep you all posted on our visit to the specialist. She seems to like the rice milk, so that is a blessing. :)