Worms.....

....yep that's right folks. The worms have come to town. For all you easily-grossed-out people, you may want to skip this post. I'll be brief and vague rather than giving you all the details.

If you have been following me on the blog, you know we have had some rough times and some REALLY cranky times. Emma has been way more fussy than I ever expected....and until "W-day" (worm day) I was so stricken with worry that she might not be attaching to me. Fast forward to THE diaper change. There they were. I knew exactly what I was seeing....my baby has worms. Gross. Worms (all parasites in general) in humans is my second biggest phobia next to spiders, and here we are faced with them (quite literally). So being the good little nurse I am, I saved the diaper to bring to the pediatrician. Everyone in the house got the "worm medicine"-especially Mommy because I have been bathing with her to assist the bonding. Yay. So last Saturday morning my phone rang....it was the lab where we sent the "diaper contents" for testing. Not only does the kiddo have pinworms, she has Giardia. For you who are blessed enough to not know what this is, it is a waterborne swimming parasite with a tiny tail that can make you pretty sick. It seems Emma has had it long enough that she isn't "acutely" ill, more of a chronically infected host. Mommy on the other hand.....yep acutely ill with Giardia. Let's just say it causes horrid gastrointestinal symptoms. Fast forward to Sunday night/early Monday morning...Mommy is in the ER. Tons of meds later I am starting to get better. Most would say this was not good for bonding, but being that she and I were already infected, even though I felt like death warmed over, I have to undertake most of her care so that no one else gets infected. It's actually been somewhat helpful for bonding, if that makes any sense at all.

After the treatment for both the pinworms and the Giardia, Emma's behavior (read: crankiness) has been much improved. Apparently having a belly full of parasites will make you irritable. Who knew? LOL! There is much less fussiness all around, although the diaper changes are still horrid at times. I think she just expects it to be uncomfortable because of all the, um, side effects of the worms, and she is anticipating the worst. But I will say, while I was laying in the bed in the ER, having a very tempting offer dangled in front of my face (admission to the hospital for rehydration and IV meds.....hmm....sounds pretty good right now!) my first thought was that I can't be away from home because my child needs me. That was one of my first real "Mom" moments. So, I half-grudgingly requested to be sent home rather than sent upstairs to a lovely private room with narcotics and anti-nausea meds every 4 hours and a flat-screen TV.....and I went home and snuggled my kid. Every day gets better. Worms and all. :)

Just hanging out...

Our First Outing....

....as a semi-normal family! Today the three of us ventured out of the
house to Baton Rouge! Javier had work this morning, and his girls
couldn't quite get it together to go that early, so being the rock
star Dad that he is, he came back for us after work was done at
11:00am. How awesome is he?? I think he saw a need to get me out of
the house, out of the "same four walls" as he put it, to help me feel
a little more normal. He sees how much I am struggling and he is
trying his best to help.

We went to eat lunch at a REAL restaurant (not a romantic parking lot
drive thru dinner while the baby sleeps/screams in the carseat-this
was the real deal!)....Olive Garden! Woohoo! Emma did fantastic. She
sat in the high chair and charmed the staff and people sitting near
us. She was more than content to snack on pieces of yummy warm
breadsticks (a girl after my own heart) and she just chilled out while
we ate. We went to Kohls and Javier sat back and let me do what really
lifts my spirits. SHOP! We bought some Oh-so-adorable outfits for the
little one and then moved on to Sam's to buy diapers, formula, and
baby food in bulk. :) gotta love bulk discounts. We got drive thru ice
cream on the way home while Em napped in the carseat. It felt
good...no , it felt great....to get out and be with my family and feel
like a member of society again, and not feel so trapped in the house.
We both agreed that Emma did great and that it is time to start
getting out and being us again, plus one. :)

As far as me and how I have been feeling, every day gets a little
better. I haven't found a cure, or had a magical moment that erased
all of the doubt and bad feelings, but I am trying to do things I know
will help. Our daily walks are great. I feel good while we are walking
and I can also use that time to clear my head while she is not in my
arms or crying or pulling at me for something. I can regain a little
perspective then. She is starting to get into a sleeping/eating
routine, so I can at least predict (to some degree) when she should be
happiest, and when she might be more cranky, and prepare accordingly.
Lots of very honest and open communication with Javier and our social
worker also, so that they can help me where they are able. It is just
hard. I wasn't prepared to grieve for the life we used to have,
especially after working so hard to bring a child, THIS child, into
our lives. I wasn't prepared to have trouble bonding to her or have
trouble feeling like a Mom. I was blindsided and didn't see it coming,
the whole time saying that wouldn't be me. I would not be the one who
felt that way.

The jet lag is wearing off, which is helping tremendously. There is
something to be said for not feeling like you are dying every day when
you wake up. Emma is out of our bed, Mommy is back in her own bed, and
no one is having to sleep on the floor. Huge props to the makers of
baby monitors. She smiles at me in the morning through her tears when
I walk through the door into her room after she wakes up. That one
moment of the day is the best. I know she feels safe and secure at
that moment. And better, she feels that way after seeing me. I realize
that we will have bad days, bad nights, rough moments and cruddy
times. But we are a family and today was the first day that it really
felt like it to me. :)

--
Emily Nevarez

One week home....

I know I haven't finished updating about the rest of the trip. To be
honest, its pretty much a blur anyway. It felt like Javier and I had
been dropped into a reality show that was a cross between Survivor and
a show I swear I will create one day called "so you think you want to
have a baby". Anyway....I thought I would let you all know how our
first week home was, and how we are doing now. I know lots of you have
sent me emails and/or facebook messages. Please accept my apology for
still not having written back. And please know it may be a little
while longer before I do. Once we settle down more I will write
everyone back!

The first 48 hours at home were awful. There is no sugar-coating it.
She wouldn't sleep. She was in our bed with us since that was what she
was used to, so we weren't sleeping either. This time, the jet lag hit
me like a ton of bricks but Javier was spared. Every morning for the
first 5 days we were home I felt like dying. Emma would scream and cry
at the top of her lungs for most of the night, which left us all
sleepless, and she would rarely nap during the day. She was very
unhappy those first days home. Lots of people think that after going
through what we went through to bring her home, the paperwork, the
waiting, the travel, that it would be an instant bond and love at
first sight. Unfortunately for lots of parents, adoptive and birth
parents, it doesn't happen like that. It is so hard to bond to a child
who doesn't want you, doesn't sleep, and is terribly cranky. I had a
hard time with this when we came home. Things are definitely looking
up though, as she seems to be getting her internal clock reset, is
getting into a routine, and is trusting us more each day. Every day is
better than the day before.

We had our first post-placement visit on Friday with our social
worker. She thinks Emma is doing great, and gave us some great
pointers on caring for ourselves as well as caring for her. We have
not been taking very good care of ourselves but that is getting better
too. Minus the giant Reese peanut butter cup I just ate. It was
calling to me. What could I do?

So where do we stand today? Well, Emma slept through the night IN the
crib IN her room....and we got to sleep in our bed in our room. She
still screams bloody murder when we change her diaper, but she is
starting to like taking a bath. She and I go for a Mother-Daughter
bonding walk every afternoon, and she loves riding in the stroller.
She eats like a champ. She does not like being dressed or undressed.
She finally started to crawl around on the floor and play without
having to be in one of our arms. Which is good because my arms were
starting to get way muscular. I don't want to look like a body
builder. LOL. She will tolerate the pack and play for a little while
and still loves, loves, loves to be on our backs in the back carrier.
She is a great kiddo. I love her to pieces, and I know she is starting
to love us too.

Oh yeah. And Javier is sick today with a nasty respiratory virus. But
that's going to get better which means that today, as crappy as it has
been, might get better too. Hey, I got to update the blog today, so it
hasn't been all bad :)

Thanks for the prayers, thoughts, well-wishes and food. We will start
visiting and returning emails soon. :) we are all about ready to leave
the house!!!

--
Emily Nevarez

Favorite Random Trip Pictures

Pics from our first 24 hours at home...

Make-up post #2-City Tour and Family Day!

On Monday morning at 2 am, Javier and I were both wide awake. It happens to almost everybody...I mean, serious life changes are going to take place just hours from now and we are supposed to sleep? So finally around 2:30, after a half hour of lying there wigging out that we would be meeting Emma in 12 hours, we did what any sensible person would do in that situation. We got up, had a snack and wrapped all of our gifts we brought! After getting them all wrapped and sorted perfectly, we decided to try sleeping again. You ALL know where this is going. Finally falling asleep....the alarm goes off and we are too sleepy to wake up!! Figures. Our city tour is at 10 am, so we stroll down to breakfast. At the Somerset, our hotel, breakfast is no small matter. It is awesome-an omelet station, a "carb station" with croissants, rolls, breads, waffles and pancakes, a fruit selection, cereals, juices, and coffee. So we pig out with our newfound friends from the Internet forums, and head back to get ready for our city tour.

Right at 10am, a young girl comes to retrieve us from the lobby. A pretty, young Korean girl in her gap year between high school and college, I cant help but find myself hoping Emma grows up to be this beautiful, confident and outgoing. We went to Gyeongbokgung Palace (see pics in earlier post) and strolled around. Javier and I were more interested in talking to our tour guide than seeing the palace, but it was a gorgeous place. We talked to her about the changes in Korea, the new generation of young Koreans, how Emma would have grown up is she had stayed in Korea, and views on adoption. We had a great morning! She got us back to the hotel in time to eat lunch and get ready to head to the Holt office. Yeah, 'cause we could really eat at that moment. But we gave it a good shot anyway. Half a cheese sandwich and a torn-to-shreds-in-nervousness beef sandwich later, we headed up to the room to get dressed. This is where things get a little blurry and somewhat numb.

We suddenly felt like we had been dropped in a reality show. The hotel staff got us a cab, instructed him where to take us and off we go. And....the cab guy got lost. And he had to stop and call Holt for directions. The greatest thing of all about Korea is no one, not even the people who live there and drive people around daily in cabs, no where the heck anything is located. This is why I asked for the cab an hour early. Anyway. We actually made it early enough to take some deep breaths, take some pictures outside the building, and regroup before the meeting. We are greeted on the second floor by one of the social workers, and brought into "the room" where all the baby meetings take place. Cue the nausea and tachycardia. Our SW (social worker) comes in and shows us Emma's visa, her immigration folder that we are to guard with our life until we get to the US, her complete medical file since birth, and her final physical exam write-up. She leaves us to go tend to some other business while we wait for Em to show up. For the next 15 minutes, everyone and their Mama knocked on the door and every time we thought "this is it, she is here" and it was some random person checking on us. Oh we couldn't be better, thank you, we are pale and sweaty and feel like puking. Finally when the knock came and Emma came in with her Foster Mom, we didn't even look up at first, since we figured it wasn't her!!

Foster Mom promptly plopped her in Javier's lap before we could even suggest that she come sit with Emma on the couch with us. Akward silence ensued......and I finally snapped out of it and grabbed a toy to bribe her into liking us. :) we asked questions for a while about what she liked, didn't like, etc. We found out she hates the stroller (not true), LOVES a bath (love is a strong word-how about tolerates it), and falls asleep easily (okay we are starting to see this now). We exchanged gifts with the Foster Mom and the SW. The Foster Mom gave Emma a beautiful hanbok to wear for her first birthday party, and she sent a photo album of pictures of Emma from birth until now. Absolutely priceless. From Holt, we got a necklace with the Korean Flag on the front, and on the back is Emma's name engraved in Korean with her birthdate. We got bottles, a can of the formula she is on, a pair of traditional wooden masks, extra clothes and pj's for Em, and........her umbilical cord. .!?!? Yep her umbilical cord. I wasn't prepped appropriately for that one.

Anyway. We shipped off downstairs for her last once-over by the Doc, she was strapped to my chest, we were dumped back into a cab and BAM we were a family of three. That's about how it went down. She fell asleep in the cab and slept all the way back to the hotel. Once we got back, she played but constantly looked around and looked at us like, "what the heck just happened". She seemed about as numb as we were. Things went well until that night....she started grieving for her Foster Mom, and I started puking. Nerves? Bad food? Exhaustion? Probably. Javier got put on baby duty all night while I alternated puking and crying and wondering what we had just done. But don't worry-it is getting much better now. :)

I'll do my best to keep updating with stuff from the trip. Using the computer has suddenly become a luxury these days! I'll also post some pics of her now that we are home. It really does get better every day.

Make-up post #1: Travel Day!

On Saturday, September 4, we left for Korea! We left our house at 6:30 am in order to have plenty of time to check in, get some breakfast at the airport, and chill out before flying to Dallas for our connection. We had a 2-hour layover in Dallas so the plan was to eat a rocking lunch (as rocking as you can get in an airport) since we aren't big fans of the food on Korean Air or in Korea for that matter. It mostly just turns us into puking idiots. So, we get to the gate in Baton Rouge and sit down.....and wait.....and wait....and no one calls for boarding. Then the announcement that we will not be leaving Baton Rouge until nearly 10am. Oh NO!!!! We were supposed to leave at 8:45.... And we watched our layover and lunch vanish into thin air.

Some time near 11:30 in Dallas....a crazed Momma and Daddy run at breakneck speed through terminal D to get to our flight. We made it as they were finishing boarding. Oops. It was then that I see a very relaxed and sweet lady waving at me from the line to board. It was one of my online buddies from the adoption forums!!! They were on our flight, and she recognized me!! It was really great to meet someone who I already "knew" but had never talked to in person. (they were also staying at our same hotel, so we got to eat breakfast together too!)


We bought two bags of chips, a bag of M&Ms, a bottle of water to share, and called it lunch. Thus begins a weeks worth of similar lunches, plus a pizza here and there. The flight was long. That is about all i can say. I popped a Unisom a few hours in and took a nap for a bit. We were in row 51 of 60-ish rows and in the two middle seats of a four-seat section. The largest Korean known to man was seated on the opposite side of me. I mean seriously, we are talking over 6 feet tall and legs all in my leg space and arms across the "personal space" barrier (armrest). Good thing I am not overly claustrophobic or any bigger than I am. I was pretty short on space.

Fourteen (that number looks so small when I write it-doesn't do the length of the flight justice AT ALL) hours later we were in Seoul! I cried at touchdown, knowing we were in Emma's birth country and so close to meeting her. I was also happy to be back in Korea-oddly enough, I feel very "at home" there. I love it dearly, and I just immediately transition into reading Korean and speaking it, and hearing it spoken. Coming back to the US is always harder for me than entering Korea.

Anyway, Mr. Kim, our driver, was waiting for us outside of baggage claim with a sign that had our name on it. Pretty cool stuff! We waited for the other family, then we were whisked off (seriously-100 mph and no seat belts) to our hotel. Our hotel was great...we had a two bedroom apartment with full kitchen and a great view of Seoul. We wasted no time in changing clothes and hitting the Lotte Mart for some groceries. Food in hand, we got back to the hotel, organized our luggage, and were so tired we hit the sack around 9pm. We woke up at 2 am....but thats another post entirely!


Here's a few pics from the hotel (pre-Emma....note how clean and tidy)

Random Bits from our trip....

We are home!!! We are soooo tired, as little miss Emma didn't sleep on the flights home. In fact, she screamed. Endlessly. Mercilessly. And I apologize profusely to all who were on the planes. I am too sleepy and jet lagged to organize my post right now, so I'll hit the high (and low) points, and blog about each day later.

-we managed to turn our 2 hour leisurely connection on Dallas (on the way to Korea) into a 20-minute fight to the death to make the connection. Great start to the trip.

-our social worker in Korea started our meeting by telling us that "your child is very very active". Hmm...yep right on with that.

-Emma does not like to sit still. She does not like whoever is holding her to sit still.

-Emma does NOT like to have her diaper changed. I change her while she stands up. I changed her while she stood on the closed lid of a toilet in the Seoul subway bathroom. Proud moment of parenting #425.

-she takes a bottle at whatever temperature we happen to be ablle to make it. And we made it all temperatures from ice-cold to nearly boiling and everywhere in between.

-the first night we had her in the hotel I got violently sick and hurled into the toilet all night while my loving husband attempted to console our screaming child. Definitely proud parenting moment #1.

-three times on the way home I went into the airplane lavatory and cried my eyes out. Yes it was horrible on the plane. No I would not trade her for any other baby, screaming or no screaming

-she loves her Daddy and for that I am grateful

-she gives some pretty awesome hugs and raspberry "kisses"

Ok that's all I have right now....I'm off to snuggle my hubby and our kiddo! More posts on our trip to come....

City Tour Pics from Gyeongbokgung Palace

Please take note of how well-groomed and well-rested we look. It may be a very long time before we look like this again. :)

More Emma Pictures!!

I promise to write an actual update soon.....but for now I know all you really want is more pics!!! Love to all of you!!!

WE GOT HER!!!!

We finally have our baby girl...and the meeting could not have gone better. She has had a few moments of what looks like utter confusion and seeking out her Foster Mother, and she will start to cry that sad, grieving cry, but is easily consoled by both of us. She loves to be carried in the Korean carrier so I'm glad we invested in that! Per the Foster Mom she sleeps on the floor with her, and eats in her lap. Looks like there is some cosleeping on the floor in our future!

We had her last physical, got her visa and immigration papers, and off we went! I'll write more later, so for now.....what you really came for!

Pics from "Travel Day" !

Ready to roll out the door...

We made it....

....and are totally exhausted. We were late leaving Baton Rouge and has about 20 minutes to change planes and catch the flight from Dallas to Korea. Read: no time for lunch. We barely slept on the flights, and ate snacks but have not had a real meal since Friday night before we left. We arrived in Seoul, found our van driver, got to the hotel and immediately went out for groceries. I have taken a few pics of the hotel, and of us at the Airport, I'll post tomorrow.

We meet Emma in just 16 hours....we are feeling a strange combination of very emotional moments mixed with very numb moments. I think some sleep will help sort that all out. I'm sorrycfor the rambling post....I'm sleep and food deprived!!! Ill do better tomorrow!!!

Our city tour is in the morning at 9:30, after breakfast, then we come back to the hotel for showers and get ready for our big day!! Prayers that we can get some sleep tonight and that our meeting with Emma goes well!! We are getting pretty nervous!


Love to all of you-
E

Just a tad excited this morning!!!

Leaving On A Jet Plane.....

(That title is for you Shannon ;) )

Okay...we are 18 hours away from boarding the plane!!!! We leave tomorrow morning out of Baton Rouge, and fly to Dallas/Fort Worth to make the connection to Korean Air. From Dallas we fly straight to Seoul, which is about a 14 1/2 hour flight time. It puts us in Seoul around 4:30 pm on Sunday, since we cross into the next day on the way over. I have a feeling the 14 1/2 hour flight will feel much longer...on the way back. For all three of us.

We have reservations in what is called a "serviced residence", the Somerset. It is basically a super-nice short-stay apartment. Our Korean agency took care of making those reservations. It is the favorite place to stay among families traveling to Korea to meet their babies, so we are looking forward to staying there. I'll definitely post pics of it.

On Monday at 9:30 am, we have a City Tour arranged for us by Holt, our Korean agency. We will get to tour popular parts of Seoul and likely grab lunch and do a little shopping. And now for what you are ALL wanting to know....

We meet Emma at 2:00 pm on MONDAY!!!

Yep, our Family Day will be Monday, September 6, and we will get to see our girl for the first time at 2:00pm. We will likely be at the agency for a couple of hours, while we let her spend some time with us on neutral ground and talk to her Foster Mother about what she likes, doesn't like, what she eats and her sleeping habits (hopefully she has some, and hopefully they are good). Then we will exchange gifts with her Foster Mother (no pressure here on the gift buying...she has only cared for our daughter for her whole 10 months of existence), and head down for her pre-flight physical (which from what I hear doesn't consist of a whole lot...) and then we are dumped out onto the streets of Seoul with a baby who has no idea what just happened to her. And at that point we just hope for the best until she figures out we are Mom and Dad now.

So...all the packing is done, her room is ready, the house is clean and sparkly....and I can't sleep. I can't eat. I am finally totally consumed by happiness, fear, worry, excitement, and sheer terror. I think that is pretty normal at this point. Meanwhile, Emma is sleeping in her Foster Mother's arms for the last two nights they have together, and I am forever grateful to this woman who has raised our child as her own for the last 10 months. I am blessed to have a daughter. We are lucky and oh, so blessed.

And, we are leaving on a jet plane. Tomorrow. Wow.

****T*R*A*V*E*L***C*A*L*L****

"O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge" ~Psalm 62:8

THIS MAMA IS KOREA-BOUND!!!! We got our call today, 9/1/10, at 8:23 am!!!! We are in total disbelief, shock, joy, fear, and exhaustion all at once. You go through this process "knowing" it is going to happen but it really feels like your day will never come, with this form and that document and this approval, you just begin to feel like the "finish line" is totally out of reach. I don't think I will ever be able to express in words the feeling I had while hearing those words "this is your travel call!" from our social worker.

We are leaving Saturday morning, September 4 but the rest is still up in the air. We are waiting on Korea to arrange our hotel reservations and let us know when we can meet and take custody of Emma, which will determine when we come home. We are currently home-bound the following Saturday, but that could change depending on Korea's information tomorrow.

This has been a long but incredible journey...and today is the beginning of our next journey, being parents! I am so thankful for the support and love of everyone and I can't wait to update our blog from Korea!!! We will definitely be blogging so stay tuned for updates, especially those that include pictures!!