Happy Early Birthday....

Right now it is early in the morning on October 25th in South Korea. A young woman is waking up with tear-filled eyes and a bittersweet smile on her face. Today is her daughter's second birthday. Her beautiful, vibrant, strong and willfull daughter who has the most beautiful black hair and almond eyes. Just like her own. Her daughter, who can drink from a cup, eat with a fork and spoon, and ride a tricycle. Who can say Mommy and Daddy and Please and Help Me. Who would have thought that this young woman would have made it this far, survived so many empty mornings and lonely nights, to wake up on the second anniversary of this remarkable day.

She remembers it every day. The joy of seeing the beautiful new life, the precious angel she delivered into the world that day. The peace she felt as that baby girl slept in her arms for the first time. The fear of not knowing what life would hold for her or her baby. The pain of separation as she handed that little angel over to someone she did not know. This young woman remembers her daughter every day but especially on this day. This day, her daughter's birthday.

The young woman delivered a child into the world knowing that she would not get to see her grow up, go to school, get married, and have children of her own. She may not have even seen her the next day after her birth. She made an adoption plan for this baby girl so that she could ensure the baby would have the life she couldn't give her. The dreams that she could only dream for her. In the most selfless act of love and motherhood, this woman made me a mother. She made us a family. My daughter was born to this woman who I can only pray has peace in her heart for her decision. I wish that I could meet her, hug her, thank her....and maybe by God's hand, Emma can meet her one day, even if I can't.

Tonight and tomorrow night we will light Emma's Birthmother Candle and say a prayer for the woman who chose life and love for her daughter. I will tell Emma what a brave and selfless person her birthmother is for choosing adoption. And, I will have tear-filled eyes and a bittersweet smile on my face, because it will be my daughter's second birthday.

Home ONE YEAR!!

Wow!! How have we been a family for an entire year? I know, that's cliche of me to say, but I really can't fathom where the last 12 months went. Well, actually I can. They were spent changing diapers, learning to color, playing outside, going to the allergy clinic, visiting Daddy at work, going to Grammy and Pawpaws house, trying to go to church, doing post-placement paperwork, and....the list goes on. Life fills in the spaces in between the "big" stuff happening and we (I) get caught up in the daily go-go-go. Sorry I haven't actually posted since July. Oops.

Emma will be 2 in another month....that is hard to believe as well. She is, if you don't mind the honesty and a little Mommy bias, growing into a beautiful and smart little girl. She is strong, more resilient than I will ever be, and will never have a problem telling you "how it is". She is going to become a strongwilled but compassionate woman as she grows up and I am so proud of her.

She has chores that she does around the house, with Mommy's help. She feeds the dogs and helps me take them out. She picks up their bowls after they eat. She wipes the table clean with WetOnes after she finishes eating, and she puts her drink cup in her sink. She is very willing to help and do things AS LONG as we let her do it her way and in her own time. What was that about strongwilled? Yeah I thought I was pretty accurate with that. Her speech has really flourished in the past two or three months, and she is speaking in mostly two-word sentences and occasionally she will string three together :) Her sentences go something like this: "Cup me". "Walk me". "Nap me". And the big one...."Go Car Seat". LOL

Lots of people are wondering how we are faring with her allergies, and all I can say is that it is hard work and time consuming but we feel as if we have a good handle on what works and what doesn't. She sees her allergist again in January, although I don't foresee him making any changes then or attempting to retest her so soon. Eating out mostly doesnt work for us, but when we *have to* we order her a plain baked potato and have them bring it to the table still in foil so that we can open it ourselves. Waitstaff are usually very accomodating and helpful and I am always grateful to them for that. Her favorite foods right now are rice cakes, baked potatoes, oatmeal, blueberries and bananas :) she could eat her weight and then some in blueberries.

The rest of our "family life" is pretty uneventful. I stay home with her full time, and we just sort of do whatever works for us that day, and I always try to teach her something new every day. Javier is still full-time at LSU, and studying for his specialty boards that he takes in October. We are all praying he is successful :)

I have tossed around the idea of letting Emma go to preschool one day a week, but I can't make a decision yet. I think she would enjoy it eventually but I am scared of the initial struggle. Plus, I won't have her this age at home for very long....and I'm not sure I am ready to let her go. I know that sounds selfish, and I'll try to leave myself out of the decision but it's so hard.

Well I am sure you are well on your way to sleep after this long and boring post :) I'll try to get a few updated pictures on soon.

Beach Vacation!!

Emma and Mommy in the pool :)

Happy girl

Slightly bored girl....

Daddy and Emma enjoying a rice milk box

20 months old...

Geez. 20 months old sounds so much closer to being a 2 year old than 19 months old does. It sounds so much more grown up, toddler-ish....and much less like a baby. Every day Emma does something new to remind me that she is growing up and getting closer to "big girl" status :)

Things that have changed? Here's the list of milestones we have hit....

-Getting on/off the furniture without help from us (oh boy)

-No more bottles-only sippy cups for our big girl (mostly her idea)

-No more warming the milk, she will take it cold

-Bedtime means telling her it's time to get in her bed with Mr. Puppy (her stuffed toy) and give Mommy a "kiss kiss" instead of turning the lights off, holding her, rocking her, etc.

-Climbing stairs with minimal help from us (again...oh boy)

-Points to her nose, eyes, ears, hair, teeth, tongue, bellybutton and feet when asked :)

-Points to her belly when we ask her where her poo-poo comes from ;)

-Gives LOTS of kisses, hugs, and will even "give knuckles" LOL

-HAS to bring a toy with us in the car. Usually Minnie Mouse.

-Speaking much more clearly (and a few more words!)

Here is what a typical conversation is like....

Me: Emma, did you make poo-poo from your belly?

Emma: No.

Me: Are you sure? Did you make poo-poo in your diapee?

Emma: (while smiling) No. (giggles) Poo-poo. (takes off running)

Some of the words she says now? Momma, Daddy, puppy, car, go, no, more, nose, hey, bop (drink cup), yummy, Pawpaw (my Dad), yay.

Whew. I've got a big girl on my hands now it seems!! Toddlerhood, here we come.....

Headed to finalization!

Tomorrow is our big day as a family of three.....in my heart, it is as big of a day as our Family Day when Emma was placed in our arms for the first time. Tomorrow we will stand before a judge and be declared Emma's parents in the eyes of the law. Are we still her parents tomorrow just as we are today? Yes. Is our family "dynamic" going to change because we heard a judge say those words? No. But in a strange way, it is my chance to get a "do-over" of our Family Day. A chance to savor every second and hug her tightly while they declare us family. I will be holding my daughter, who loves me now...and who trusts me now. Because, seriously guys, on our Family Day I was a nervous wreck. I was scared to death of this little baby and this BIG thing we had taken on (parenting). I didn't know her. I didn't know who she was, what she liked, what she needed. She didn't know me either-and for a while didn't want me. She wanted the mother she had grown to love, her Foster Mom.

Tomorrow I get to be the mother she wants. The mother she has grown to love. I get to say that I know her and I love her and she is mine forever. I know what she wants when she cries one way versus another. I know when she is scared, when she is sad, when she is sick, and when she is just simply happy.

Tomorrow I get to experience the emotions of having her placed in my arms while having the comfort of having already been in the trenches and survived-knowing we have come out stronger on the other side.

From my scared, sad baby girl in Seoul.....

To smiling at me for the first time....

To becoming Mommy's fearless little princess.....

My goodness how far we have come :)

I've got some catching up to do...

Warning....sleeper post ahead. Long and boring. :)

I really haven't written much lately....so sorry! We sort of got lost in the sea of appointments to try and get a handle on Emma's allergies. Since I last posted, Emma has been definitively diagnosed with multiple, severe food allergies. I can't remember if I posted about the results of her skin testing, so pardon me please if this is a repeat for you.

Her skin testing showed allergies to dairy, soy and egg. No other allergies were found at this time, so we are very thankful for that. At the skin test appointment, after results were reviewed by the allergist, we were given paperwork and resources for support groups and online "help" websites like FAAN (Food Allergy and Anaphylaxis Network). We discussed Epipens but the allergist felt as if Emma would always manifest allergic reactions as rashes, eczema and minor hives but would probably never have anything worse. Wrong. Fast forward exactly one week....and Emma woke up covered from eyelids down to her knees, front and back, in hives. She also had major gastrointestinal symptoms. I knew she was reacting but we had no clue to what, as we had been (and continue to be) extremely vigilant about her diet. I called the pediatrician and allergist, got instructions for oral meds, and was told to watch her until the afternoon. About an hour later, she started breathing strangely. It was as if she was having trouble swallowing-she was mouth breathing and grabbing/scratching at her mouth and throat. Long story short, she is okay but we made a trip to the ER and then saw the allergist again the next morning. Needless to say, he immediately prescribed her an Epipen. We had training on how to give it to her and what the plan is for any future reactions. Oh, and the cause of that reaction? She got a straw from a milkshake cup that had just enough dairy in it to send her into a reaction.

Which in turn, brought me to my next "life change". Prior to the allergy situation, and even prior to Emma coming home, I was a vegetarian. No meat, no fish, but I did eat/drink dairy products and egg products. When I realized that trace amounts of allergens could indeed be dangerous for Emma, that meant I needed to ditch the dairy! I am now a proud vegan-dairy free, egg free, meat free, fish free. I consume loads of soy products, but not around her. Soy is pretty much the only thing left for me to eat ;) Now I don't worry "what if she swipes my cup" or "what if I kiss her and it's enough to cause a reaction". Plus, it feels good to eliminate the mass amounts of cheese I was eating. I feel healthier and most importantly, I don't feel like I am a danger to my child. For milk, I drink Almond milk (which I LOVE), for yogurt I eat either coconut milk yogurt or almond milk yogurt, for cheese I am experimenting with some soy cheeses and some rice and bean based cheeses. I was never into butter so I just go without if it is something I used to eat with butter (like baked potatoes).

A few people have asked me about finalizing her adoption. We DO have a court date finally, June 3rd! We get to dress her all cute and go hear the judge officially declare us a family. It isn't really in open court, it will be more of a chambers hearing, but it is still very important to us! Once that is done, we can file for her social security number, passport and Certificate of Citizenship. The adoption finalization doesn't make her a citizen...it just makes her eligible to become one. So, on to more paperwork!

Emma is growing like a weed every day. She hasn't really gained weight in a few months but is growing tall! She is walking and running, loves the water, and loves to be outside. We spend some time outside almost daily, and she helped me plant lettuce and bok choy seeds in the garden this year :) We are also growing herbs, bell peppers and some yellow squash. Emma loves to go out and help me pick stuff, but sometimes she gets carried away and starts ripping seedlings out of the ground. She also has a new friend, Ty! He came home from Korea earlier this year, and we have had several playdates! (And "Mom" dates...it's as much for us as it is for them!) They play well together, in spite of Emma being somewhat of a bully sometimes. But she will learn as she plays more and more.

Here are some most recent pics!

Wordless Wednesday

How she is changing....

My baby is becoming a toddler before my very eyes. Tantrums, of course, are a big clue, but she is able to do so many new things all of a sudden!!!

She is saying a few words.....

"NO"

"Hey"

"Oh"

"Bop" (for bottle/drink)

"Nase" (nose)

"Daddy"

"Yum"

"Pup" (puppy)

She is doing new things....

Runs

Climbs up steps

Drinks from a straw

Combs her hair (somewhat ineffectively...)

Pretends to cook and eat food at her kitchen playset

Pretends to feed us and her toys

Dances to music

Can identify her nose and her bellybutton :)

Where did my little baby go???

More new pics

As promised, here are some newer, updated pics of Emma!!!

Mommy and Emma at the Lunar New Year party

Emma at Grammy and Pawpaw's house

Daddy and Emma

Emma playing outside

Ready to farm!

A few iPhone pics...

Celebrations!!

One year ago our phone rang and we saw this sweet face for the first time....

Six months ago we were newly home from Korea with that same sweet baby....

We have officially been home six months!!!

OK so the pic above is from December....but I haven't had a chance to download the ones from my camera from more recent photo sessions. I promise more updated pics are coming soon!!!

Emma continues to do well and is growing and changing every minute. We are still working very hard on attachment, as she is still showing signs of anxiety and lately seems to be "anticipating loss". I know that sounds odd, and so many people have said to us "how can she be worried about sadness and loss, she is with you guys and has everything a baby could want". In her tiny life, she has lost so much, and although her young brain does not process it in the way adults would (like thinking, "wow I miss my Foster Mom. I miss Korea. I'm sad") she does, and will for some time, react in such a way that expresses fear and anxiety over the absence or feared absence of a person (usually me) or an activity. She tends to get very anxious and fearful if we sit in the rocking chair and there is no bottle in sight. She also gets anxious when I am talking with other women who try to show her attention. I can only assume that she is fearing I am about to give her to the woman and disappear forever, just as her birth mother and two foster mothers did. It is a work in progress. As many books as I read, as many classes as I went to, and as many other adoptive Mommas as I talked to, nothing can prepare you for witnessing your child go through what will be one of her greatest traumas and losses in life. Nothing can prepare you for the grief, anxiety and sadness these babies and children experience. I do everything I can to reassure her that I am here, and that I will always "come back" (even if it is just from the bathroom...) and we definitely have more good days than bad, more good nights than bad, and more happy moments than sad.

In other updates, we are on the fast track to finalization!! Our supporting documents have been given to the lawyer and filed with the parish juvenile court system, so we are just waiting to hear when our "day in court" will be! We will go and meet the judge, our social worker, the lawyer, and hear those wonderful words that our adoption is final and she is legally OURS forever!!! I'm pretty sure tears will flow....just a guess :) Pictures will be taken, Emma will be all dolled up in something adorable, and we can celebrate another HUGE milestone!!

But wait....there's more! Paperwork, that is. LOL It never, ever ends! Once I get the adoption decree in my hands, it is time to apply for her Social Security Number, her Passport, and her Certificate of Citizenship! None of those happen automatically....Momma here has to do paperwork first, and get the ball rolling. The passport is so she can jet back to Korea with us to pick up Baby Brother ;) Did I say that??

Thank you for all of your prayers....it has been an eventful year since we first laid eyes on the referral picture of our daughter, and an even more eventful 6 months since she was handed to us at Holt Korea that afternoon in September. We love her more than life itself and some days just can't believe she has been home this long. :)

Love,

Emily

Breakdown on Aisle 3....

Today I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I spent some time on the Food Allergy and Anaphylaxis Network's website last night. I read stories from other Moms about their kids allergies. Stories that encourage me and let me know that this CAN be managed....and also stories that scared me. I did get some great tips on traveling, eating out, skin care and substitutions. I also got a healthy dose of "this is serious". I know that we will feel better once we get some test results back, and see what else she might be allergic to, and perhaps get some idea of what CAN be introduced back into her diet safely. Right now I am on high alert. I am terrified to even push the grocery cart past the peanut aisle or to touch her if I touched cheese. There are apparently fragrance issues also. The testing will help determine for sure, but she broke out on her hands and face in the grocery store today, after I had vigilantly wiped down the cart seat and handles (to remove any potential allergens....what if some kid had eaten peanut butter and rubbed his hands on the cart??) and she broke out after touching where the citrus-scented wipe had been. Her fingers got red and blotchy and sort of swollen, and where she rubbed her face became red and weird looking. I was talking to one of the managers in the store who we have befriended, and she drew my attention to the reaction. I had just finished asking her if we could have rice waffles ordered....and I just started to cry again in the middle of the moisturizer aisle. In my efforts to prevent Emma from having a reaction, she had one to the wipe I used. The poor manager just hugged me. I felt like a nutcase.

I know we will figure it out. I know that it will become part of our routine. I know that we don't even have test results back yet, so some of the things I am avoiding may possibly be safe. I know that people cope with food allergies all the time and are okay. Most importantly, I know that God has this. He has this and He already has it handled. For that I am thankful. And for your encouragement, friends, I am oh-so grateful. :) Thank you

Oops...time gets away from me....

I haven't blogged in a month. :( oops. Life just sort of "happens" and you (me) get swept up in the daily chaos of the routine, and then add on the things that aren't so routine. I think my last post was about Emma's allergy issues. How appropriate that I not blog since then, so no one knows how she is doing or what we are dealing with now. LOL

First, a little on how life has changed since our last blog post. We are vigilant label readers. We are the question-askers in restaurants and grocery stores. We shun food items that cannot be properly identified with regards to ingredients. We have "that child" who gets almost no processed food, no dairy, no eggs, no soy, and no added sugar. No, she isn't allergic to sugar, but she won't grow to crave it if she doesn't get it now. She isn't allergic to eggs either, that we know of, but she is to remain egg-free until her second birthday, where as "normal" (i.e. not food allergic) kids can have them much younger. We cook three meals a day for her. Eating out is rare, mostly due to the fact that unless it is a "whole food" item, like a piece of roasted chicken, or a baked potato that hasn't been contaminated with butter or cheese or sour cream, we can't make any sort of guarantee that it doesn't have allergens lurking in it. If we go somewhere, we normally check out the menu online first, call the restaurant if we have questions, and/or bring her meal with us. It works for us, so far. She has not refused anything we have given her, with the exception of sweet green peas. She throws them on the ground :) Her diet is still very balanced and extremely "healthy looking" for a one-year-old. Today for lunch she ate a half a slice of approved wheat bread, a tablespoon of hummus, some raw bell pepper strips, a half a cup of winter squash (boiled), a piece of boiled chicken, and a few bowtie pastas (approved pasta brand-no egg)

It continues to amaze me how many things contain milk/dairy/egg/soy. It all but eliminates processed foods, sweet treats, snacks and convenience foods. We are also nut-free because we don't know if she will react to nuts or not. SO add that to the list, and pretty much means home-cooking is our only option. It definitely saves money, so that is a plus on top of keeping her healthy and reducing the chances for another reaction. Usually with every trip to the grocery store, I see something else that has milk/dairy/egg/nut/soy in it, and put it on the list of no-no's.

TODAY was our long-awaited appointment with the pediatric immunologist. I have to say he was wonderful. I am sure he dreaded coming into the exam room because Emma could be heard down the hallway with her crying. (She wanted to play with the electrical cord that powered the in-room computer....I can't imagine why I didn't let her) But, he came in and was gentle, soft spoken and very reassuring. We had her blood drawn today for the RAST and IgE testing, rather than doing the "skin prick" test. I just can't agree to having 20 pricks on her skin, and her skin is so sensitive with the eczema anyway, he said it is better to do the blood testing. THANK YOU!!!! We were also educated on her new skin care regimen. Pretty intense, but it is what is needed for her dry, sensitive and eczema-prone skin. It basically consists of a special moisturizing cream 3 times a day, all over. A bath daily with only unscented Dove soap or Cetaphil. No perfumes, no fragrances, no fragranced lotions. Only the few lotions, soap, detergents and cleansers listed are allowed. We continue with her no milk/no dairy/no soy/no nut/no egg diet indefinitely. The testing results will be reviewed at our follow up appointment in three weeks, and we will then be referred to a pediatric nutritionist for evaluation and assessment of her diet to make sure it is as balanced as her allergies will allow.

So, thats where we are now. Emma is sound asleep...she was so freaking tired, hungry, sleepy and mad after we finished at the doctor. :( I cried when they drew her blood. I worry. I worry about her allergies. Her food. Her skin. And today I was tired and hungry too, and I cried. I cried all the way out of the hospital into the parking lot. No reason, just emotionally and mentally exhausted.

I printed out some templates for a "food diary", to keep until we see the nutritionist. Hopefully the few weeks of recording her intake will help the nutritionist see a good picture of what she is getting, and help him/her to help us balance out her diet even more.

Thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers!!! I am so glad the appointment is behind us, and I am praying that we get some answers, or at least, verification, with the testing.

Love, Emily

Fear

Beware....long and potentially boring post ahead....

Before I became a Mom, I was not really fearful of many things. I was (still am) afraid of spiders....like scream-like-I'm-in-a-horror-move scared. I was (still am) somewhat afraid of water, given that I don't swim all that well. Or as Javier would say, not at all. Of course I had fears about normal, every day type things too. And then Emma came into my life.

Nothing can prepare a woman for the fears that she will face as a Mom. What if...my child gets sick. What if she gets hurt. What if she falls. What if she falls behind in school. What if she is behind developmentally. What if she has an allergic reaction. What if someone hurts her. What if.......need I say more? They are paramount. Monumental. Consuming at times. They make us Moms afraid to feed them, bathe them, vaccinate them, or even take them out of the house. But we have to do all of those things, and more, or our babies will not grow and thrive and turn into the pleasant little humans we would like for them to be.

All this rambling about fears brings me to our current situation. Emma began to have mild allergic reactions to cow's milk. Like, facial redness, a rash on her chin, and the beginnings of eczema. So, after a few weeks of this going on, one day she started having full facial flushing and redness from her chin up to her eyes after every bottle of cow's milk. I did what any Mom would do....I sought alternatives. The next best thing, according to our pediatrician, was soy milk. We switched her a little over a week ago to soy. And I couldn't believe my eyes when, in 48 hours, her skin was absolutely flawless. Perfect. Soft, no bumps, no redness. Hallelujah...a fix to our problem.

Well, Monday afternoon I came home from work to find her chin broken out again with the eczema. We tossed around the idea of switching her to something else, but what? I didn't know enough about other alternatives, like rice milk, almond milk, hemp milk, etc. I was pretty sure I didn't want to give her almond milk because of the potential for a nut allergy. We decided it would be best to bring her in to the doctor and let her help us decide. Tuesday didn't work out so our appointment was scheduled for Wednesday (yesterday). Keeping her on the soy milk to avoid yet another switch until after our appointment, I gave her a soy bottle yesterday morning when she woke up. She immediately broke out in hives around her mouth and on her belly. Freaking scary....thankfully we had the appointment. When we got to the doctor, they were getting better, but she also noticed some on her back as well.

She asked about choking or coughing during bottles, and I don't remember Emma ever doing this. Only the face stuff, and now, the belly and back. Fear? Oh yea. Emma could have had an anaphylactic reaction. She could have one the next time she drinks soy. Or even cow's milk. Talk about putting the fear into this Mama. The pediatrician said NO dairy and NO soy products, NO new food introductions, NO nuts or nut products, and nothing else on the list of major allergens (fish, shellfish, etc). We have an appointment with a Pediatric Immunologist in February so that we can determine if she has any other food allergies. She is drinking rice milk now, and we are being super careful with what we give her to eat. I am keeping a food diary and listing everything she eats and any strange symptoms that I notice.

Mamas worry about something happening to their child. They (we) worry that someone else will harm our child. Something else will harm our child. But the feeling of being the one giving something to your child that caused harm....that could cause harm....I can't put in to words. It wasn't purposeful, of course. If I could have seen into the future and seen that she would ALSO be allergic to soy....I would never have given it to her. I have a new sense of fear now....will she react to this food next? That food? Something she has eaten for days, will it suddenly cause a reaction? I hold my breath when I give her a bottle or something to eat.

She is my world...I am doing everything I can to protect her and keep her safe and healthy. Please pray that we get some answers in February, and that she doesn't react to anything else in the meantime. I am praying that milk and soy are the ONLY two offenders. But if there are other things she shows an allergy to, I want to know so that I can be sure she doesn't get those either.

I'll keep you all posted on our visit to the specialist. She seems to like the rice milk, so that is a blessing. :)