house to Baton Rouge! Javier had work this morning, and his girls
couldn't quite get it together to go that early, so being the rock
star Dad that he is, he came back for us after work was done at
11:00am. How awesome is he?? I think he saw a need to get me out of
the house, out of the "same four walls" as he put it, to help me feel
a little more normal. He sees how much I am struggling and he is
trying his best to help.
We went to eat lunch at a REAL restaurant (not a romantic parking lot
drive thru dinner while the baby sleeps/screams in the carseat-this
was the real deal!)....Olive Garden! Woohoo! Emma did fantastic. She
sat in the high chair and charmed the staff and people sitting near
us. She was more than content to snack on pieces of yummy warm
breadsticks (a girl after my own heart) and she just chilled out while
we ate. We went to Kohls and Javier sat back and let me do what really
lifts my spirits. SHOP! We bought some Oh-so-adorable outfits for the
little one and then moved on to Sam's to buy diapers, formula, and
baby food in bulk. :) gotta love bulk discounts. We got drive thru ice
cream on the way home while Em napped in the carseat. It felt
good...no , it felt great....to get out and be with my family and feel
like a member of society again, and not feel so trapped in the house.
We both agreed that Emma did great and that it is time to start
getting out and being us again, plus one. :)
As far as me and how I have been feeling, every day gets a little
better. I haven't found a cure, or had a magical moment that erased
all of the doubt and bad feelings, but I am trying to do things I know
will help. Our daily walks are great. I feel good while we are walking
and I can also use that time to clear my head while she is not in my
arms or crying or pulling at me for something. I can regain a little
perspective then. She is starting to get into a sleeping/eating
routine, so I can at least predict (to some degree) when she should be
happiest, and when she might be more cranky, and prepare accordingly.
Lots of very honest and open communication with Javier and our social
worker also, so that they can help me where they are able. It is just
hard. I wasn't prepared to grieve for the life we used to have,
especially after working so hard to bring a child, THIS child, into
our lives. I wasn't prepared to have trouble bonding to her or have
trouble feeling like a Mom. I was blindsided and didn't see it coming,
the whole time saying that wouldn't be me. I would not be the one who
felt that way.
The jet lag is wearing off, which is helping tremendously. There is
something to be said for not feeling like you are dying every day when
you wake up. Emma is out of our bed, Mommy is back in her own bed, and
no one is having to sleep on the floor. Huge props to the makers of
baby monitors. She smiles at me in the morning through her tears when
I walk through the door into her room after she wakes up. That one
moment of the day is the best. I know she feels safe and secure at
that moment. And better, she feels that way after seeing me. I realize
that we will have bad days, bad nights, rough moments and cruddy
times. But we are a family and today was the first day that it really
felt like it to me. :)
--
Emily Nevarez
7 comments:
Hang in there, Emily... If it makes you feel any better our four month old and I both have colds, and yesterday he had me in tears by the end of the day. There are good days and bad as parents. It is a hard, crappy job at times. Kids are unpredictable and messy and demanding. And, little people don't say... "thank you" or "I'm sorry I kept you up all night" or "Wow, Mom...you look tired...go lay down and I'll take care of myself." We all think about what life was like before kids. And, we all miss our freedom a bit from time to time. But, the little smiles and hugs and "moments" make it all worth it. You will get there, Mamma! Take time for yourself. And, don't forget to take unscheduled time with Emma and let the rest of the world disappear for a little while.
I think the good/great moments will keep increasing and the harder times will lessen!!! Thinking of you all!!! :)
Nancy (holt bb)
I just wanted to post how incredibly brave you are for posting about the rough spots. All too often folks just post about how wonderful everything is. For writing about the truth, you're my hero.
I agree, about your brave honesty in posting about not only the moments of perfection but those all-too-many moments of imperfection. I went through pretty much EXACTLY what you are going through (or so it sounds). I would venture so far as to say that I experienced post-adoption depression--for all of the reasons you cited and more. I'm not diagnosing you, but just telling you what I think I had. The feelings of being trapped (my maternity leave consisted of about four feet of snow and nowhere to go, sometimes no power, in the dead of winter--we physically couldn't leave...it was awful, especially when he was melting down), of not quite "getting" the whole motherhood thing (it has never come intuitively to me as i thought it would), of grieving for my old life, etc. I'm with ya, sister. Hang in there. You are a great mom--and guess what? A human being, too! Huge hugs to you, Momma. You're doing a great job. And at the end of the day, Emma adores you and loves you no matter what.
Awesome Em! You're doing it! Congrats on moving ahead. I'm so glad you all were able to get out and enjoy yourself - you needed it! Keep up the hard work, your hubby is awesome. He is your rock, as my hubby is mine. They are so supportive and our solid rocks! Love to you all and keep your chin up, you're doing great!! :)
Emily dear - your blogs are reminding me of what I went through 18 years ago when I adopted my daughter and I'm now going through a different grief period now that she is away at college as a freshman. Someone told me three weeks after my daughter came home- take one day and if you accomplish one deed for the day - consider yourself blessed. The blessing is there in your arms and enjoy every minute for they grow up so very quickly. Your mother was just giving me some words of wisdom just recently, so reach out to the family members and friends! They all want to be there for you! Luv, Your Second Grade Teacher! :)
Hi Emily-
I really appreciate your honesty about the difficult moments, your feelings toward bonding and attachemnt and especially the plane ride!! We brought our daughter home from Korea 5 weeks ago (she was 12 mo. at the time)and I have to agree the bonding doesn't always happen like everyone thinks- I had and still have sometimes the same feelings. I just don't think I've ever had the guts to say it! Our daughter sounds a lot like yours:) If you'd like to contact me, you can through my blog- there is an email button.
http://countingseeds-cline.blogspot.com/
It would be great to connect:)
Hang in there and blessings to you and your family.
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