Where I am right now...

I am in a good place right now. I am at peace, more than ever, knowing that we are moving forward and will likely see our beautiful daughter's face by the end of August. I am happy and excited at the thought of seeing her and holding her for the first time. I am happy and a little bit proud of myself at how I have (mostly) handled the ups and downs of this process. I had hard days, bad days, and rough days, and that is not to say there are not more ahead. I cried a few times out of frustration and disappointment. I let out a few rants on my blog, on facebook, and on the internet forums that I frequent to find support. And support was always there. I prayed daily, sometimes what felt like all day, for God to sustain me and sometimes for Him to carry me. And He did. And He does still.

I will be able to tell my daughter that I fought for her, and fought a good fight. I will be able to tell her that I grew as a person and as her mother during the journey to her. She will never, ever doubt that she is loved and that she was and is wanted. I have been so caught up in what we are gaining as a family and what I have gained personally during this process....we are gaining a daughter, a family, a new life. I have gained a new relationship with God. I have gained a new and deeper relationship with my husband as we bond over our growing family and our joys, anxieties, and plans. I have gained a new, special relationship with my parents as they prepare to meet their first grandchild. How special that is to watch my Mom and Dad be so joyful over this baby!!

What I haven't considered until now is what my daughter will be losing. I do not talk about this often, because the standard reply from most people is "how is she losing anything, she is getting a family". Adoption is born out of loss. The loss of a birth child by a birth mother who carried her for 9 months, only to leave the hospital alone. My daughter will have lost so much by her first birthday. She is losing her first two mothers, first her birth mother and now her foster mother. She does not know I am coming for her. She does not know I am her "real mother" yet. In her world, her foster mother is who she seeks out for comfort and security. She is losing her birth culture and language. Though I plan to teach her about Korea, take her back to visit, and incorporate Korean traditions in to her life, I cannot produce a life identical to what she would have lived had she stayed in Korea. Nor do I wish to, as she begins a new life here, but I do want to honor her culture and identity. She is losing a country, her birth country. We are all so "proud to be an American" but sometimes lose sight of the fact that other countries are proud to be Korean, or Chinese, or Ethiopian. She is losing the country whose people are so proud of their heritage. I hope to instill a sense of pride in her, not only as an American but as a Korean.

Yes she is gaining a new life and a family. But she is not the lucky one....we are the lucky ones. :) Please pray for our transition to a family of three, as our daughter experiences the grief that will inevitably come from being separated from her foster mother. It will pass in time, but until then pray for our peace and strength as she learns to love us.